Expert Voice: Loneliness following grief
Counsellor at Moya Cole Hospice, Patrick Clark, discusses feeling lonely after the death of a loved one
By Patrick Clark, Counsellor at Moya Cole Hospice
This week marks Loneliness Awareness Week in the UK. Patrick Clark from the Moya Cole Hospice Let’s Talk Team discusses the common experience of feeling lonely following the death of a loved one.
At Moya Cole Hospice, we offer bereavement support to our patients’ loved ones. Some of the people we work with might have been married to a patient for 50 years; others could have lost a parent or any loved one. When we lose someone, it can be hard because oftentimes we might have created a lifetime of memories with the person we lost. So, it may be extremely unlikely not to feel lonely following their loss.
It’s not just the loss of the person that makes us feel lonely; it is the loss of hundreds of tiny little moments in our lives. If you have lost a spouse, it could also be the loss of someone who asks you how your day was, someone with whom you shared a bed, someone who paid the electricity bill. There are lots of roles that people have in each other’s lives. You’ve lost one big thing, and all of these little things cascade after Patrick Clark, Counsellor, Moya Cole Hospice
If it is a parent, you might have lost the person who raised you, who checks in on you every so often, the person who you call around for a cup of tea and a chat, someone later on in their lives you cared for. Oftentimes, when a parent dies, their care previously relied heavily on their children, becoming a full-time role. When someone dies, the job of caring dies with it and it can be overwhelming and create a deep sense of loneliness for people.
We often speak with family members who say they are feeling the worst they could possibly feel after the loss of a loved one, and the person they lost was the person they would go to when they were feeling low.
At the start of each counselling session, we ask what the person hopes to get out of it. Every now and again, someone will say that they want to get over the loss of their loved one, or they might say that they don’t want to feel lonely anymore. In reality, you are always going to miss that person, you might end up feeling lonelier than you ever have in your life, but what we do is aim to get you to a place where your life can be as good as it possibly can be without your loved one.
There are methods you can use to get yourself to a place where you can live your life as fully as possible following the loss of a loved one Patrick Clark, Counsellor, Moya Cole Hospice
Counselling is always a great place to start. It makes you engage with your feelings and process them in a safe and secure space. Opening up and talking to a loved one is also another way of dealing with grief, even if this loved one is also experiencing that loss.
Outside of talking, you can engage in activities that you used to do, even if it was together with the loved one you lost, such as going on a nature walk, going to a cafe for a cup of coffee, reading a book in the park, having family over for a homemade Sunday dinner, calling round to a friend’s house to watch a TV show together. Don’t stop doing the things you loved doing together just because they aren’t here anymore. There are so many ways that you can restore a bit of balance in your life following the death of someone you spent a lot of your time with. You can even open yourself up to new experiences. Things you wanted to do but never had the chance, such as taking up a new hobby or attending an arts class, taking a dream holiday to your dream destination, taking yourself out for a day trip to a national park that you’ve always wanted to see but never had the chance, reading that book you’ve always talked about but never opened the first page.
Counselling, as mentioned, can be a great first step in the process of learning to deal with the loss of a loved one. In the UK, we have a culture of telling people we are fine, when, in reality, we are struggling. Getting over that fear of opening up and talking can be tough and a tricky journey to navigate. Loneliness can also stem from bottling up your feelings and feeling like you are the only person who feels the way you are feeling, when a member of your family could be feeling in a similar way but is also withholding Patrick Clark, Counsellor, Moya Cole Hospice
It can sound easier than it is, but the best way to face that fear of talking is by picking up a phone and calling the right person – this could be your sister, brother, child, a friend, or anyone you are close to and telling them you are not doing okay. It is absolutely okay to not be okay. People often say this is difficult as they don’t want to feel like a burden to the person they would call. Most of the time, however, if I spoke with the person you were going to call, they would wish and hope that you would pick up the phone.
Other professional services exist too, including Silverline and The Samaritans.
Opening up to a counsellor first can be easier for a lot of people, as the counsellor they are seeing does not see them outside of the counselling environment. Counsellors, like me, are independent people, and even if you are not comfortable talking about how you are feeling at first, we can work our way towards that goal and work our way towards having these conversations with your loved ones if you feel you want to.
In the long run, if you don’t open up and talk about how you are feeling, you could feel more lonely; it can become a vicious cycle that is harder and harder to break the longer you withdraw from opening up Patrick Clark, Counsellor, Moya Cole Hospice
The Moya Cole Hospice Let’s Talk team offers bereavement support to those who are experiencing the death of a loved one. They also offer counselling while your loved one is still within our care, to help you come to terms with how you are feeling about their eventual death. The Let’s Talk team is also about to begin a new Bereavement Group where you can come along and meet new people, in a safe environment, with those who are feeling the same way, or similar to how you are feeling, following the death of a loved one.
For more information, visit our website.